Saturday, December 12, 2015

The Port Removal

No joke,  I was excited about this surgery.   For one- It's another step of moving beyond cancer, and two- the happy meds.  Haha.

Too bad I had to beg for the happy meds because they said that this surgery is much more simple than getting it placed (and I thought.... you just don't feel bad for me because I'm not undergoing chemo right now... haha)  My thoughts were that I'm the patient, I've met my out of pocket max for insurance, give me a little happy stuff so I'm not nervous.

They did, the surgery was indeed simple and fast, and we were all happy.

I still have a very hard time going up to the Cancer Institute.  It's like if I even think of that place I get nauseated.  I also need to tell someone that they need to change what they use to clean the bathrooms.  It stinks.  It's a very different smell and when I used their bathrooms I have to hold my nose closed the whole time (no joke.)  It's weird how your mind and body prepare you for something even if it's not going to happen.


Here's a picture of my little port friend.  It was good to me and I'm very glad I got it.  It made it a lot more do able.  My arm veins cried "thank you" each time I didn't have to get chemo through one of them.


And here's a little update of my hair---  front and back.  I'm finding lot's of crazy cal-licks! 




Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Best News Ever!!!!

I'm CANCER FREE!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT!  SOOOOO HAPPY!

I met with my doctor today to discuss the results from my scan.  I don't think I was ever as ready to walk into the cancer hospital as I was today.  I had my port accessed for the last time to get lab work done and then they made me wait an HOUR to meet with the doctor.  I was so fidgety and ready to hear the results.   Apparently they forgot about me because when I reminded them, they got me back asap.  I guess when you are towards the end of your treatment they put you on the back burner (remember how they forgot about my last chemo appt?)  hahaha.

Justine, who is my favorite--- she is the girl who always takes me back, was so fun to talk to as usual.  I'm glad that they hire such fun and happy people.  It really helps.  I've learned to remember to say thanks when people are great and happy to do their job.  I think it helps them on days where it's hard.

When the Dr. came in, I told him I was nervous and he said  "There's nothing for you to be nervous about, it looks great."  I guess it wasn't the "HOORAY YOU'RE CANCER FREE!" that I was expecting, but i'll take it.  He talks to several patients daily and has to give good news and bad news,  so I'm sure that's why he puts on a game face.  I'm glad he's smart and good at his job!

In hindsight I probably should have asked him to get in on my happy dance! HAHA.

We looked at the scans and he explained why it still looks like I have a little tumor (scar tissue), but it's not cancerous.  He also told me that my white blood count is still low, but it's rising!  My thymus glad was a little swollen, which is normal for my age and what I went through.  He wants to do a CT scan in 6 months just to make sure something didn't change with that.

So I set up an appointment for blood work and a visit with my doc in 3 months!  HOORRRAYYYY!

Next step is to get this port out!  I thought it would be months until I got this litte thingamajigger out, but nope!  I get it out in 2 days!  Whooop whoop!

(Que Destiny's Child-- "I'm a Survivor" and have your own dance party.)

Here's a picture of me when I first met with Dr. Sweetenham vs. the day I was told I was cancer free! Hair vs. no hair.  (About 7 months apart)


Here are my scans all lined up by eachother.  

Peace out cancer! 

HAPPY DANCE TIME!  

Remember to smile! Life is great and a smile is a little gesture that could help someone a long way!

Monday, December 7, 2015

Nail biting and Nerviosa

Had my PET scan today.  This sums up how I am feeling.
Scanxiety. 

 
As my bro Tyler would say "Nailed it."

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Life Since Chemo

It's been 4 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I am pleased to say that I FEEL GREAT!

It's so nice to do my 'normal' things like play with my kids and take them to the park, run (even though it's a really really really slow run), go to church, visit family, and run some errands.

I feel like I have more energy, but I still get worn out easily.  Naps are my friend. The dry mouth is still there and strong. I'm still hot flashin like crazy--but at least the weather is getting cooler!  I have really bad swelling in my hands and feet and I have gained a lot of weight.

I'm almost off all of my meds! yippee!  I still take something to help me sleep and take the anxiety away, but hopefully I won't have to do that for forever.

I have to remind myself (especially when exercising) to be patient.  I need to let my body heal and work up to it.

It's nice to see that my kids are -still crazy-  but better emotionally.  Sadie is okay to leave me on occasion and she seems to be in better spirits.   I hoped and prayed that this would be a learning and a character building experience for her.

But really,  Life is so good.  God is good.  I'm in such a good place right now.  It's crazy to see that I really was in a hard place for a long time (even before my diagnosis) and to see where I have gone.  Going through something hard can really make you see and be thankful for all the little things in life.



Here is a hair update--  It's coming in a lot thicker and coarser.  I'm not sure if it's darker because I always bleached it!


Did I ever mention that we are going to NC and Disney World in a couple weeks?! wahoo!  

I went to dinner with some cousins and they had me let a balloon out of the sky window in honor of finishing chemo.  Fun! 



Saturday, October 17, 2015

Celebrate good times

Disneyworld.  It's scheduled.  So excited to go there over Thanksgiving!  We will be going to NC first, then driving down to Florida with all but one brother and his family on my side.  I am SO excited.  

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Chemo 12: LAST ONE

My friends and neighbors gathered outside to surprise me AGAIN with a send off for my last chemo. Such a sweet thing and means so much to me. 

My mom came with me for this one.  I wanted her to see what it was like and experience it with me.

On our way up we saw a peacock-- that's got to be good luck of  some kind.

Got to the check in desk-- my appointment wasn't in the system! Are you kidding me? For my last one?! Luckily, it wasn't a big issue, they just called my nurse to make sure I was in need of chemo that day and fit me right in.  

It went fast. I got to ring the gong.  (They forgot to give me a certificate for completing chemo-- oh well.)  And then---It was so nice to get out of there!  Even though I felt gross, I couldn't stop smiling as I walked out of the building.  PEACE OUT!   

I know that there is a chance that I could be back, but as for right now, I'm going to live as if I'm Cancer free until I'm told otherwise!    Time to PARTAY!  

Next up-  Girls weekend, Halloween, parties, North Carolina, Holden Beach, Disney World then My scan first week in December. 

....and yes, I did do a happy dance once I got home.  Brett said that I was weird and didn't want to do it with me.  Ha. 








Monday, October 5, 2015

Whirlwind

I'm laying in bed on the night before my last chemo treatment and I can't put a finger on how exactly I feel.  

It's been a long day coming and I thought I would be more than thrilled for this moment!

I can't help but worry that this was enough or that it will come back or that this chemo session will be awful like some a few months ago. 

I realize that I can't control what's going to happen, but I can't help but worry!  It's probaby the nightly anxiety talking.  Hopefully in the morning I'll be more ready for this!

I do know that God is over all.  Everything will work out in the end---even if the end is not in this life! 


Monday, September 28, 2015

Chemo 11

One more.

It was Brett and I's anniversary the day before treatment, so he got a hotel in downtown SLC which is much closer to the hospital we go to and we wouldn't have to deal with morning traffic.  It was nice to have a change of scenery, be without the kids, and to have yummy Indian food. 

I met with my NP this time since my doctor was gone.   I got a prescription to help with my stomach aches. Apparently what I've been experiencing are stomach ulcers.  It makes sense! 

My white blood count was up just a little bit from last time.  Surprising, but I'm still very much neutropenic.  

We scheduled out my next appointment after chemo is done---which isn't until December 7th!  I'll have a scan right before that so we can discuss the results at the appointment.  The end hopefully is happening! 

Nothing really new with the day of treatment.  Still felt like blah, but there were so many people there to help me.  Ladies from my neighborhood and ward came and cleaned my house and then others brought me meals each night.  

I'm so thankful for people hanging there with me, visiting me, and sending me love even though this has been a long show.

I had some very cute and little distractions this week.  Two of my close friends had their babies!!! There's nothing like holding a baby straight from heaven. AND I figured it was a very germ-safe activity. Haha.    

Happy 8 years to us! 




Sunday, September 27, 2015

Women's Conference

Twice a year for the LDS church we have General Conference. This is where we get to hear from our prophet and leaders of our church.  It's very spiritually uplifting and really helps you self evaluate.    It's held the first Sunday in April and the first Sunday in October and we just watch or listen to it on TV.  The weekend before is Women's Conference which obviously just for women.

President Utchdorf is one of the counselors to our prophet and he gave a very inspiring talk.

He told a story of a girl named Eva and her Great Aunt Rose and how to be happy.  I can't summarize my favorite parts of the story, so I'm including the whole thing.  I loved hearing a "recipe" for happiness and I know that trials and tests happen to us all....that's life.  It's our choice to walk with a skip in our step instead of keeping our head down in the dumps.

Great-Aunt Rose

The story is about a girl named Eva. There are two important things you should know about Eva. One is that she was 11 years old in this story. And the other is that she absolutely, positively did not want to go and live with her great-aunt Rose. Not at all. No way.
But Eva’s mother was going to have surgery that required a lengthy recovery. So Eva’s parents were sending her to spend the summer with Great-Aunt Rose.
In Eva’s mind, there were a thousand reasons why this was a bad idea. For one thing, it would mean being away from her mother. It would also mean leaving her family and friends. And besides, she didn’t even know Great-Aunt Rose. She was quite comfortable, thank you very much, right where she was.
But no amount of arguing or eye-rolling could change the decision. So Eva packed up a suitcase and took the long drive with her father to Great-Aunt Rose’s house.
From the moment Eva stepped inside the house, she hated it.
Everything was so old! Every inch was packed with old books, strange-colored bottles, and plastic bins spilling over with beads, bows, and buttons.
Great-Aunt Rose lived there alone; she had never married. The only other inhabitant was a gray cat who liked to find the highest point in every room and perch there, staring like a hungry tiger at everything below.
Even the house itself seemed lonely. It was out in the countryside, where the houses are far apart. No one Eva’s age lived within half a mile. That made Eva feel lonely too.
At first she didn’t pay much attention to Great-Aunt Rose. She mostly thought about her mother. Sometimes, she would stay awake at night, praying with all her soul that her mother would be well. And though it didn’t happen right away, Eva began to feel that God was watching over her mother.
Word finally came that the operation was a success, and now all that was left for Eva to do was to endure till the end of summer. But oh, how she hated enduring!
With her mind now at ease about her mother, Eva began to notice Great-Aunt Rose a little more. She was a large woman—everything about her was large: her voice, her smile, her personality. It wasn’t easy for her to get around, but she always sang and laughed while she worked, and the sound of her laughter filled the house. Every night she sat down on her overstuffed sofa, pulled out her scriptures, and read out loud. And as she read, she sometimes made comments like “Oh, he shouldn’t have done that!” or “What wouldn’t I give to have been there!” or “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard!” And every evening as the two of them knelt by Eva’s bed to pray, Great-Aunt Rose would say the most beautiful prayers, thanking her Heavenly Father for the blue jays and the spruce trees, the sunsets and the stars, and the “wonder of being alive.” It sounded to Eva as though Rose knew God as a friend.
Over time, Eva made a surprising discovery: Great-Aunt Rose was quite possibly the happiest person she had ever known!
But how could that be?
What did she have to be happy about?
She had never married, she had no children, she had no one to keep her company except that creepy cat, and she had a hard time doing simple things like tying her shoes and walking up stairs.
When she went to town, she wore embarrassingly big, bright hats. But people didn’t laugh at her. Instead, they crowded around her, wanting to talk to her. Rose had been a schoolteacher, and it wasn’t uncommon for former students—now grown up with children of their own—to stop and chat. They thanked her for being a good influence in their lives. They often laughed. Sometimes they even cried.
As the summer progressed, Eva spent more and more time with Rose. They went on long walks, and Eva learned the difference between sparrows and finches. She picked wild elderberries and made marmalade from oranges. She learned about her great-great-grandmother who left her beloved homeland, sailed across an ocean, and walked across the plains to be with the Saints.
Soon Eva made another startling discovery: not only was Great-Aunt Rose one of the happiest persons she knew, but Eva herself was happier whenever she was around her.
The days of summer were passing more quickly now. Before Eva knew it, Great-Aunt Rose said it would soon be time for Eva to return home. Though Eva had been looking forward to that moment since the day she arrived, she wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it now. She realized she was actually going to miss this strange old house with the stalker cat and her beloved great-aunt Rose.
The day before her father arrived to pick her up, Eva asked the question she had been wondering about for weeks: “Aunt Rose, why are you so happy?”
Aunt Rose looked at her carefully and then guided her to a painting that hung in the front room. It had been a gift from a talented dear friend.
“What do you see there?” she asked.

Eva had noticed the painting before, but she hadn’t really looked at it closely. A girl in pioneer dress skipped along a bright blue path. The grass and trees were a vibrant green. Eva said, “It’s a painting of a girl. Looks like she’s skipping.”
“Yes, it is a pioneer girl skipping along happily,” Aunt Rose said. “I imagine there were many dark and dreary days for the pioneers. Their life was so hard—we can’t even imagine. But in this painting, everything is bright and hopeful. This girl has a spring in her step, and she is moving forward and upward.”
Eva was silent, so Great-Aunt Rose continued: “There is enough that doesn’t go right in life, so anyone can work themselves into a puddle of pessimism and a mess of melancholy. But I know people who, even when things don’t work out, focus on the wonders and miracles of life. These folks are the happiest people I know.”
“But,” Eva said, “you can’t just flip a switch and go from sad to happy.”
“No, perhaps not,” Aunt Rose smiled gently, “but God didn’t design us to be sad. He created us to have joy!3 So if we trust Him, He will help us to notice the good, bright, hopeful things of life. And sure enough, the world will become brighter. No, it doesn’t happen instantly, but honestly, how many good things do? Seems to me that the best things, like homemade bread or orange marmalade, take patience and work.”
Eva thought about it a moment and said, “Maybe it’s not so simple for people who don’t have everything perfect in their lives.”
“Dear Eva, do you really think that my life is perfect?” Aunt Rose sat with Eva on the overstuffed sofa. “There was a time when I was so discouraged I didn’t want to go on.”
“You?” Eva asked.
Aunt Rose nodded. “There were so many things I wished for in my life.” As she spoke, a sadness entered her voice that Eva had never heard before. “Most of them never happened. It was one heartbreak after another. One day I realized that it would never be the way I had hoped for. That was a depressing day. I was ready to give up and be miserable.”
“So what did you do?”
“Nothing for a time. I was just angry. I was an absolute monster to be around.” Then she laughed a little, but it was not her usual big, room-filling laugh. “‘It’s not fair’ was the song I sang over and over in my head. But eventually I discovered something that turned my whole life around.”
“What was it?”
“Faith,” Aunt Rose smiled. “I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all the wrongs would be made right. After that, I saw that the path before me wasn’t as dreary and dusty as I had thought. I began to notice the bright blues, the verdant greens, and the fiery reds, and I decided I had a choice—I could hang my head and drag my feet on the dusty road of self-pity, or I could have a little faith, put on a bright dress, slip on my dancing shoes, and skip down the path of life, singing as I went.” Now her voice was skipping along like the girl in the painting.
Aunt Rose reached over to the end table and pulled her well-worn scriptures onto her lap. “I don’t think I was clinically depressed—I’m not sure you can talk yourself out of that. But I sure had talked myself into being miserable! Yes, I had some dark days, but all my brooding and worrying wasn’t going to change that—it was only making things worse. Faith in the Savior taught me that no matter what happened in the past, my story could have a happy ending.”
“How do you know that?” Eva asked.
Aunt Rose turned a page in her Bible and said, “It says it right here:
“‘God … will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
“‘And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.’”4
Great-Aunt Rose looked at Eva. Her smile was wide as she whispered, with a slight quiver in her voice, “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard?”
It really did sound beautiful, Eva thought.
Aunt Rose turned a few pages and pointed to a verse for Eva to read: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”5
“With such a glorious future,” Aunt Rose said, “why get swallowed up in past or present things that don’t go quite the way we planned?”
Eva furrowed her brow. “But wait a minute,” she said. “Are you saying that being happy means just looking forward to happiness in the future? Is all our happiness in eternity? Can’t some of it happen now?”
“Oh, of course it can!” Aunt Rose exclaimed. “Dear child, now is part of eternity. It doesn’t only begin after we die! Faith and hope will open your eyes to the happiness that is placed before you.
“I know a poem that says, ‘Forever—is composed of Nows.’6 I didn’t want my forever to be composed of dark and fearful ‘Nows.’ And I didn’t want to live in the gloom of a bunker, gritting my teeth, closing my eyes, and resentfully enduring to the bitter end. Faith gave me the hope I needed to live joyfully now!”
“So what did you do then?” Eva asked.
“I exercised faith in God’s promises by filling my life with meaningful things. I went to school. I got an education. That led me to a career that I loved.”
Eva thought about this for a moment and said, “But surely being busy isn’t what made you happy. There are a lot of busy people who aren’t happy.”
“How can you be so wise for someone so young?” Aunt Rose asked. “You’re absolutely right. And most of those busy, unhappy people have forgotten the one thing that matters most in all the world—the thing Jesus said is the heart of His gospel.”
“And what is that?” Eva asked.
“It is love—the pure love of Christ,” Rose said. “You see, everything else in the gospel—all the shoulds and themusts and the thou shalts —lead to love. When we love God, we want to serve Him. We want to be like Him. When we love our neighbors, we stop thinking so much about our own problems and help others to solve theirs.”7
“And that is what makes us happy?” Eva asked.
Great-Aunt Rose nodded and smiled, her eyes filling with tears. “Yes, my dear. That is what makes us happy.”

5'4 and a quarter


In high school while I was growing there was a point that I figured I had reached 5'5,  so that's how tall I would tell people I was.  

Years later, I was bummed to realize that not only was I NOT 5'5, but I wasn't 5'4 either!

5'3 and 3/4 has been my height.... you don't think you will grow after you hit adulthood, but apparently I have.   I've heard of chemo shrinking you, but making you grow? I guess....  that or their measuring at the Cancer center is wrong because I'm 5'4 and 1/4 now!

So it's been a joke since we've started chemo that it's making me grow.  I'm totally okay with it.  Maybe I'll take up that supermodel career--- after I get to 5'10 AND lose this toddler/children weight (can't call it baby weight anymore because I don't have a baby! haha)  I'm keeping on me.  

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Chemo 10

So, I'm a regular.  People know me by name.  That means I go to the cancer hospital wayyy too much.  It's nice to be remembered though.  

I have loved all the nurses that have helped me.  I really try to thank them for their help.  They are the ones giving me the medicine to kick cancer in the rear end! I have learned through different experiences in my life to show your appreciation towards everything---even the minor things.  It's been hard with all the service and love and help I've received to keep on that.  So I hope you all know (I really don't know who reads this) THANK YOU.  Thank you for being a support to me.  

I've been neutropenic (low white blood count) since chemo, but the nurse at chemo this time said that basically my immune system is non existent. My levels are so low and just keep getting lower the longer I do this.
 
She told be about the neutropenic diet (don't eat raw fruits and veggies, keep away from fast foot, raw or undercooked stuff...etc)--  and how I shouldn't kiss my kids or go in public.... needless to say--- she terrified me.  

So this whole treatment week I tried to keep out of the public (and you know me, I love to be out and about and social!)  Luckily, my kids and I had fun being at home and playing.   We had a lot of rain, which helped me be okay with staying at home.  I love a good rain storm.  I also love fall.  We've been having some of that weather too lately!  Every little thing helps.  

I got the stomachache that lasted for days this time.  And it happened during my good week.  Bummer.   I also hit a milestone--- I threw up for the first time this whole experience!  I know you wanted to know that. ha.   I usually can keep the nausea pretty controlled (well, to the point that I never throw up at least.)  

Good news-  I think my hair is starting to come back!  Apparently it's pretty normal to start to come back near the end of treatment.  Brett gave me another hair cut so we'll see if it keeps getting thicker. 


I'M SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE WITH CHEMO!  (and let's hope I don't have to do it ever again!)
Woot! Woot!      

This quote from Elder Holland hits home.  Bad minutes, hours, days---they come to an end!  The trick is that we have to make sure that during those bad times to remain faithful, keep positive, and be nice!  
  

Real life photo-  no make-up and getting a buzz from my honey.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Two more!



HAHA! Only TWO more (or tumor) left!!!!!!  Less than a month.  We got this.  

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Hey Girl



Found this hilarious. 

Knew there had to be a Ryan Gosling "Hey girl" for cancer. 


Friday, September 4, 2015

Chemo 9


On a scale of 1-5 (1- easy, 5-hard)  this round has been for the most part a 3.  (We'll talk about the for the most part in a minute.)

I was super groggy and slept a lot the couple days after.  Like more than usual.  

Seems like a couple days after I get chemo is the hardest---probably because that's when everything hits and I'm wiped out and sick to my stomach.

GOOD NEWS--- Doc took one of the chemo drugs (bleomycin) out of my regimen for the rest of the time! I've been having a cough and phlegm and that was enough concerning for him to get rid of it. Bleomycin can take a toll on your heart and lungs. I just hope and pray that what I'm doing will be enough to get this cancer gooonnnne. 

I decided to start watching the Harry Potter movies again.  I'm on number 5 already, so that's pretty cool.  

We got Sadie to stay at a friends house AND go to her church class by herself.  This is big guys.  I'm hoping that her anxiety about leaving me will pass.

 I did have some major issues with the bowels this time around---lots of pain.  I ended up seeing a general surgeon, but he said there's really nothing they can do right now (and proceeded to tell me a story about a guy he did surgery on years ago that was going through chemo and was neutropenic--he died 48 hours later) WHY would he tell me that?! Thanks dude for the happy story.  So I guess I won't be having surgery for a while-- but he gave me stuff to hopefully fix the issues so surgery may not even have to happen!  Woot woot!


I love you all and thank you for being a part of my journey!




Sunday, August 23, 2015

Chemo 8

I think these 2 weeks have been the longest so far. 

If I chose to do radiation, I would be done with chemotherapy right now!!!!  But, this will be better in the long run for me. 

It was a pretty good round.  I didn't meet with my doctor, and they were really fast!  I came home from chemo and took a really long nap.  Usually I'm not able so sleep right after chemo, so that was a good sign. 

I scheduled the kids swimming lessons for this week, so my mom and I took them.  I didn't need to go, it was just nice to get out of the house, even though I was a chemozombie.

CHEMOZOMBIE- (Noun) A person who has just had chemotherapy.  They may be weak, tired, and nauseous. Eyesight may be compromised and they may have an overall feeling of being out of it. Appetite loss, weird tastes, aches, and sleeplessness are also very common.

Sadie also started soccer.   These little things are helpful distractions from the not so fun side effects chemotherapy brings.

There was one night this past week where I was looking in the mirror and I just thought to myself, "wow, I have cancer."  I have that horrible disease that takes over people's bodies and kills them.  I am fighting this nasty killer off.  It was a surreal moment.  And it's crazy that it's still surreal because I don't feel that well and I have no energy.  You think that would be a constant reminder. 

But I guess it's not like I look at this whole experience as killing me.  This is not how I will die.  I will fight, survive, and come out stronger and better. 

I was concerned this week because I was having pain where my tumor was or is (maybe it's all the way gone right now....that'd be cool.)  My arm even went a little numb here and there.  The Dr. said it may be because of blood flow and because it's breaking up the tumor that's lining the wall of my heart.  I hope everything is still ok and working.

This is a picture of my port "Accessed." 


I was heart attacked by someone.  It was such a fun surprise.  My favorite is the "poo poo on cancer" haha

And yeah.... I thought this was funny.  And true! I can-cer vive! 






Saturday, August 22, 2015

My Wig

A couple of days ago, I got the wig my brother Brian and sister in law Jessica had been working on. 

It is beautiful. 

I didn't know how special it truly was until the night before I got it.   Jessica texted me that I should get it the next day.  She then sent me these pictures:







I immediately started crying. 

My 9 year old niece Adelia chose to cut her hair and donate it to become a wig for me.  What a touching and amazing gift to give someone without hair.   I now realize how much I loved my hair, and as a 9 year old, she loved her hair too.  She had been growing it out and didn't want to cut it until she had this opportunity arise. 

They contacted someone who makes wigs in California, I had to measure my head all these different sorts of ways and a couple weeks later they sent me a temporary wig.

Adelia's wig is soooo soft and it just really fits me.  It makes me feel better about myself.... like I'm not a cancer patient. 

Some of my high school friends wanted in on getting me a wig and donated money for it as well.  I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help. Meredith, Jess, Alissa, and Caroline-- miles may separate us, but they found a way to be involved and help.  Thank you so much. 

This wig is not just to help me look less cancer-y but a representation of love and sacrifice. I will treasure this wig for the rest of my life.   When I put it on, I remember the love, the time and the money that was put into it.  It could look like a mullet for all I care and I'd wear it with pride (It doesn't, it's beautiful and that's cool too.)

Thanks for making me feel like I'm worth it.




Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I miss my hair

These days, I walk past a mirror and I don't even recognize myself.

My eyelashes are falling out.

My eyes are sunken in.

My eyebrows are so thin.  

I never feel like dressing up or putting on make-up (I mean...it's hard to make things go with a bald head!)  

Wigs are ok, it's just hot outside and they make my head itch.  

I forget things, lots of things.  It takes me longer to talk and express my thoughts. 

I am a cancer patient. 

As I said before, cancer is not glamorous. 

I was driving the other day and a supped up Subaru full of young men pass me by.  They hit the brakes so they were just even with me and were laughing.  It was then that I realized that they couldn't figure out if I was a man or a woman!  Hurt. Pain. I cried. 

Those that have known me for a long time know how much I love my makeup, shoes, and dressing up.  (K, so I've kinda gone downhill since motherhood....) But it's made me think about 'what is April known for' or what I am good at, what I bring to the table. Heavenly Father is teaching me that it's not about looks, although looking and feeling pretty is great, but more importantly I need to love and be kind.   I love the new Cinderella movie and I think the "Have courage and be kind" hits my motive on the head.  

I had a really good day Monday, so I took the kids out. As we were leaving a woman also in a ball cap approached me and took off her hat and said "hey, same haircuts!". We talked for a bit. She was fighting breast cancer and also had young kids she was trying to herd. I'm so sad she has to go through this, but it did make me feel not so alone in this.  I knew she knew the stresses of being young and having cancer.  She knew what it was like to have to be a mom and be sick all the time. She knew what it was like to just want to go and have a fun summer but can't.  

Hugs to my stranger friend and anyone that's hurting or going through a battle of their own right now.  

My brother and sister in law have had many battles of their own and after their baby Jackson died, I remember her posting this quote-



I'm learning how to dance during this rainstorm.  I'm trying to smile more! I'm trying to remember that it could be worse and there are people out there struggling more than me and need help.  They need us!  They need a support system too.  

Thank you to all those supporting me. I honestly could not do this without you. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Chemo 7

I'm over halfway. 

Talking with my friend Katie-- she mentioned how going through chemotherapy became a very emotional battle.  I can definitely relate with that now.  I've had more breakdowns, but I try to remember to always pray during those times.  When I feel the lowest and that I can't do anymore, I know that Heavenly Father can help pick me up and take me through it.  Reminds me of the footprints story.....


Since the last couple chemos, I haven't had the crazy flu like reaction (Relief).  First day just don't feel well-- really tired and woozy.  Next couple days dealing with that and nausea, then the constipation/diarrhea, aches, chest pain kicks in.  My arm veins have been bothering me again.  Fatigue through it all--definitely am getting more and more weak, and I get really bad stomach and headaches. 

I feel like I started all powerful and motivated and now I'm stretching to make it through each day without becoming bothered by it.  I've found that I am having to distract myself more and put myself in situations that I don't have to remember I have cancer.  It's so hard to do that when you feel crummy though.  But being outside, having friends over, watching new movies, going out when I feel well enough all help.  

And, I've been able to eat this round!  I feel like I've gained back all the weight it lost though.... oops.  I guess I'm really embracing the desire to eat.  Haha.  




Monday, July 27, 2015

Youth Service

We have felt so blessed by all we've received these past couple months.

To add to that service-  A small group of the youth in our ward showed up on their youth group day and asked if there was anything they could do to help us.  Kalun, our neighbor was with them and suggested that they get the pile of gravel off of our driveway.

They shoveled all the gravel, washed my windows, picked my weeds, and by the end all the youth were at our house helping.

Yes, I cried.

Man, I feel so blessed.  People have really been taking care of my family and I during this tough time.  
Thank you to our amazing youth and leaders. I love you all.  


Sadie "helping" with the gravel. Cute

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Appreciate Life


Chemo 6

I'm now planning doing 6 months of chemo.  Hopefully my body can handle it.  If not, I can stop and do radiation.... but the new risks scare me. So I'm going to keep on keepin' on this Chemo!

That means that this last treament was HALFWAY!  I'm on the downhill now!

Remember how my kids AND my mom got sick? Well, I seriously thank Heavenly Father for helping me not get sick.  There was no other way of explaining it.  My white blood count is sooo low, and I was around all that ALL the time.  Tender Mercies.

Chemo 6 was way more of a mental battle than anything else.  I had my biggest breakdown yet this week.

Seriously, I could not do this without all my family, friends, and neighbors helping.

Luckily this treatment was one of the more manageable ones on me physically.  I was nauseous and had stomach issues, but mostly it was the chemo fog, drugged feeling, and fatigue that stuck around for a while.   Well, the fatigue is pretty constant.

I hear that the fatigue from chemo can stay years after you finish treatment.  I hope working out will help, because I can't wait to go on a nice run again.  (It will probably be just around the block for a while.... let's be honest.)  haha.

Brett left me with the kids for my "good" weekend.  It was hard, but once again, my neighbors and friends really helped out.   The Doney's who live behind me are so amazing.  Their children are so nice to mine and they try to help out whenever they can.  I was able to really bond with Sadie for the weekend.  I let her sleep in my bed and we stayed up and talked.  It will be one of those moments I'll always look back on.

I've noticed that I've even started associated the things I watch and eat with chemo/cancer.  I used to eat oatmeal like every day, but since I ate it before every chemo, I can barely gulp it down.   Same with watching 'Friends' the TV show.  I would watch it at chemo, but now it's like I get a little sick when I turn it on.   Pretty funny how your body and mind affiliates things.

Well, until next time.  


This was a good quote for me this week-

 

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Activity Day Girls


My kids had just come down with colds/coughs and I was frustrated and having a bad day.  In the early evening, I get a knock on my door.

My mom answered and I came just a minute later to find all the Activity Day girls (ages 8-11) from our church.  They had made me a cookie and candy bouquet and put paper flowers all over our park strip.  The flowers had drawings, words of encouragement, and compliments.   It was so sweet.   I was so touched.  







Thank you girls and leaders!  You made my day! 
 
Images by Freepik