The Port

It's in! It's done! It's all good!

Waiting is a huge part of the cancer game.  Yesterday was no exception.  We were at the hospital for over 5 hours waiting to get this thingy placed.  But, all in all, I'm glad it's done, the kiddos got to play all day with their cousins (my sister in law came down and watched them for us), and getting chemo should be tons easier now.  

Even though it was through radiology, they treated it just like a surgery where you have pre-op and post-op.  It seemed way more laid back there though.  I was in "pre-op" for a lot longer it seemed-- I didn't get a picture of my gown this time.... It may have been uglier than the first one!  Whoever made "one size fits all"  clearly did not think about women my size or smaller.  But, I have to tell myself it's not about making a fashion statement, I'm here on business!  (Just kidding-- having a bald head clears out most of the "trying to fashionable" in me.)

Whoever ordered the port placement for me--my doctor, nurse, or NP-- ordered a double one to be placed.  WHAT?  It's already a little tumor looking thing, but to have double the size?  I wasn't so sure...   I asked why and they said that I was a "hard stick."   Funny, because they've never had issues with getting an IV in me.  My veins were just in a lot of pain and clotting. So I requested to have them talk to the doctor again and tell him that I didn't want 2.  I was proud that I stood up for myself.  I don't want to make more damage than I needed to.  

They didn't put me all the way under this time. I remember the surgery and I remember feeling like I talked the whole time. I felt like it was five minutes, but they told me it had been 45! Ha-ha. I think that was the best and most relaxed I have felt since this I've done this whole shabang. It was like happy gas but soo much better. I think they need to give you that stuff every time you do chemo.  I'm going to suggest it to my doctor.  

But now, I'm just sore and my chest is tender. 

Next step- I have my mid PET scan on Monday. 

Why do bad things happen?

At church the other week, the speaker talked about trials and why we have them.  

He told the story of the blind man in John chapter 9:

 1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

 2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

 3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

 Sometimes when I'm having a really hard time with everything I've been challenged with, I think "WHY?! Why me Heavenly Father?! What did I do?!"    But it's not what I did, it's not anything my parents did.  This cancer hits pretty randomly.  Heavenly Father gave me this challenge to grow, to show the work of God, to help others see that you can overcome any challenge.  I need to be better at being thankful.  

Another thought I had-  God can send us these challenges because He is powerful, but he doesn't do this to torment us.  He sees potential for us to grow.     I was thinking about how grateful that I am going through this rather than my husband or children or any other family member.  I thought about how much love I have for my children and how I'd never want to see them hurt or tormented. But with some things, I have to let them work out on their own even though I could swoop in and take away the mean kid, the blasted homework (don't have to deal with that yet....) or whatever it may be.  Our Heavenly Father feels the same way! But HE SEES THE BIGGER PICTURE!  He says "April, I love you, I know that this may be a little tricky for a bit, but boy are you going to learn A lot!"    

Chemo #4

Smells are so bad.  If I get a whiff of anything that smells the least bit like the hospital I go to, I get nauseous.  

The night before I was so nervous, but my mom and I went to Tj Maxx before closing and that helped take my mind off things.  Retail therapy. It works. 

I took something to help with my anxiety so I could sleep, and I slept most the night!  Usually I don't sleep the nights before Chemo.  

The morning of though, I was a wreck.  I really just was frustrated and sad and so over doing this (Sad because there's people out there that are always doing chemo.)  

I got situated in my "pod" and the assistant took my vitals and could see I was having a rough time.  The old man and woman next to me were packing up and started talking to me.  They told me that they were sorry that I had to be here with all these old people, but good luck.  The old guy had been trying to beat cancer for 10 years! (And here I am stuck in the "Poor me's.")  Then they told me that their daughter had just been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and that she's trying to beat through it since she's pretty young.     Now why was I crying??????  

This cancer is the one to have.  Doesn't mean that it will be a walk in the park, but results usually are great with treatment.  

After waiting the forever it takes to get the medicines (or chemicals) ready  the really nice nurse put them in me and it took longer because the pain/burning is getting worse.  They slow it down and mix it with saline to help with that.   The nurse I had today has definitely been my favorite so far.  She could tell I was not really happy to be there too, so she made it as pleasant as possible.

While sitting in the chair I usually start to feel woozy and today was just the same.

On the ride home I was fine but once I got home I started to feel really sick.  It was a lot like round #1.  Nasty flu symptoms.   It's hard for me to watch movies, read, sleep, or do anything.  So I usually just lay there waiting it off.  The hours crawlllllll.  

Here I am 9 days later and I finally feel more like me.  It was a rough go this round.  I went into the doctor yesterday because I swear that I had some kind of infection.  Turns out I get a really bad stomach ache before the storm is "over."

Earlier this week I went and had an ultrasound done on my left arm veins.  They found three blood clots!  They are superficial, blood is still pumping, but the just hurt really bad.  After talking with the nurse and doctor, they thought it was best that I go ahead and get the port since my veins are hating me right now.

SOOOO, that's what I'm going to go do today.  Get a port.  Hopefully I won't regret this!

Getting harder and harder....

  I had a really hard day yesterday.  My friend Meghan posted this on my Facebook yesterday:

"I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that Heavenly promises are always kept."-Elder Holland


It started out pretty normal for a post chemo day- Nauseous morning, so I take my medicine, wait for it to kick in, then get out of bed.   I can get through the morning usually okay, but I started to feel a little more sick around lunchtime. (Note that getting ready is not in my normal day, I do usually shower though!)

My neighbor Wesley took Sadie and I put Carter down for a nap.  I fell asleep for just a little bit then Carter woke up.  I've been having more anxiety lately so sleeping hasn't been easy.  When I got up out of bed I felt so sick.

I'm trying not to have to take my meds as often because there are lovely side effects from those as well. It's like a football play--- you try to make the best call for your team while trying to guess what the other team is going to do!

Anyways, I felt like I had the flu but I had no fever (PHEWF!) I seriously was about to go to the ER, but decided to take some drugs and see if that would help.  The nausea drugs, and lortab kicked in and I felt a little better.

Boy, was it hard to keep my cool today.  I thought that after a whole week --since my chemo treatment- I'd be feeling good!  Well,  I guess that's not always going to be the case.

Brett was trying to help me think positive and it just was one of those days where it was hard to.

BUT now that I look back, there were so many people RIGHT THERE helping me.  What a blessing.  I know that Heavenly Father played a role in that.  I'm so grateful for all of you supporting me.  Thank you for helping me get through those really rough times.  All the messages, phone calls (even when I don't answer), notes, meals, house cleans, kid care, yard care, visits, treats, magazines, etc.... HELP SO MUCH.

Chemo #3

It seemed to go a lot like the last round--tired, drugged, weak feeling.  Then the stomach sickness and nausea come, then the constipation, headaches, and aches all over come.  I'll be feeling good one minute, then have to go lay down for an hour.  I've been getting sooooo bored of laying around, but it's really all I can do!  This time it seemed to stay for longer and come in spurts.

I didn't get to see my doctor, but I saw the PA.  She said that I should really try to keep going without a port.  She wouldn't give me pictures of my tumors from my initial PET scan--- apparently I have to go to radiology and ask.  Don't worry, once  I get enough energy to go down to Provo, I'll post a picture of those bad boys.

My veins in my left arm still haven't recovered from my biopsy and my second chemo treatment.  Sad. My right arm feels okay! Maybe it will hold up.

I definitely am not looking forward to going back to that place.  I even get sick thinking about it.  One thing though--- they have a bistro there and it had a REALLY good parfait.  Guys, I haven't really wanted to eat, so if I'm craving something, that's really good.  So, I'll treat myself to a parfait each time and maybe that will take the edge off.

I really get why kids don't like going to the doctor.  For the first few times they remember, they always get shots.  That's not pleasant.  Same with this "doctoring" experience.  Nothing fun comes from getting infused with Chemo.  I guess the parfaits are nice... but you have to pay for them.

The Shaving of the Head

Each day it seemed like I'd lose more and more hair.  

Showering was sad because when I'd massage my scalp with shampoo even more hair came out.  

Then getting out of the shower was bad too because I had hair ALL over my towel.

I had a couple of bald spots.

It was really thin. 

Everywhere I'd sit I'd leave presents behind.  

Can I say that I'm SOOOOO glad Roxy doesn't shed?!   Haha.  

It was time to shave my head.  I put my make-up on, told Brett that he could shave my head (he's been really excited to do it for some reason,) and had some friends that wanted to witness it come over.  I shaved Brett's hair into a cool top do.  He could actually pull it off.  He pulled it into a ponytail even.  

My turn. I cried just for a bit, but then I just had to deal with it.

(The next morning I did wake up and think  "Oh Gosh, what did I do?!?!?!?!"  haha. )



And I saw this, and couldn't help but laugh.