Friday, May 29, 2015
As of late....or maybe just the last two days
Hooray! Hopefully this stays until round #3 on Tuesday!
First treatment it took 9 days to feel this way.
This time it took 8. I'll take it!
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
How are you?
Every time I see someone I know, they obviously ask how I am.
I don't want to lie. I don't want to be a downer either.
So my answer usually is "I'm hanging in there." Kinda awkward response, but it's true.
I'm trying so hard not to think about the future and the hard things to come, so I'm taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I'm on the cancer train and riding along as best as I can.
It's way hard, I may look like I am a zombie (because I kinda do feel that way,) and the days are long, but I'm gonna make it through. One. Day. At. A. Time.
I don't want to lie. I don't want to be a downer either.
So my answer usually is "I'm hanging in there." Kinda awkward response, but it's true.
I'm trying so hard not to think about the future and the hard things to come, so I'm taking it day by day. Moment by moment. I'm on the cancer train and riding along as best as I can.
It's way hard, I may look like I am a zombie (because I kinda do feel that way,) and the days are long, but I'm gonna make it through. One. Day. At. A. Time.
So, has your hair started falling out?
I'm not a shedder. After I breastfeed, I don't lose hair.
When I washed my hair on Sunday, I was shedding. I kept getting more and more hair on my fingers and by the end, there was a big hairball on the drain.
My cancer book said that it usually starts to fall out 2 weeks after your first treatment. Last Friday marked 2 weeks. So I started noticing it falling out right on schedule.
My cancer book said that it usually starts to fall out 2 weeks after your first treatment. Last Friday marked 2 weeks. So I started noticing it falling out right on schedule.
No clumps have fallen out yet.
I did decide that maybe the shedding would chill a bit if I cut my hair shorter--- so I chopped it off on Monday. It's refreshing, bit not really helping the shedding situation.
Maybe I'll just shed a lot and not lose my hair! Only time will tell. Dun Dun dun.....
Here's the new do--- and that baby? He's my nephew. So scrumptious right?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Cancer Deck Update
Well, In an AMAZING amount of time (Started on Friday ended the first section on Monday) our deck was put together by my amazing husband and our neighbors and friends. Monday was Memorial day and also Brett's birthday. One of his friends sent a group text to a bunch of other guys to come help and a whole bunch showed up! I left for an hour to get my hair cut and when I came back, they were done with the second part! Impressive. We are so grateful for all the help.
There's still the last section to be done, but that's where we get a lot of flooding so it needs a little more work before we start on it.
Now to convince Brett I need some new patio furniture (including an outdoor couch so I can lay out there when I don't feel well).......
There's still the last section to be done, but that's where we get a lot of flooding so it needs a little more work before we start on it.
Now to convince Brett I need some new patio furniture (including an outdoor couch so I can lay out there when I don't feel well).......
Monday, May 25, 2015
Fluffy Bunny
A funny thing I was thinking about today- When Brett and I first found out about the diagnosis, we thought about how cancer was such an icky word.
People freak when they hear it!
So what if we changed the word cancer to fluffy bunny?
Instead of saying, "Aww man, I have cancer" It'd be "Aww man, I have the fluffy bunny!"
Haha. Just a thought.
I mean... maybe I'd take that over what I have....
I mean... maybe I'd take that over what I have....
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Whew, this is hard.
Having this blog helps me be positive, but I want you all to know that I do really struggle with this.
I'm grouchy and whiny and I have zero energy, but having something (like this blog) helps me re-think the situation and come out more positive. There really is something relieving about writing things down. Poor Brett and kids have to deal with this crazy emotional cancer patient! haha.
I've been down lately and I think it's because every day there's some weird side effect and every day seems to have 300 hours. I cry almost every day.
BUT--- I have positive thing that I keep going back to today.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ITCHY IN ALMOST TWO WEEKS! The itchiness is gone and hopefully will never return! (insert happy dance) Yahoo! So, the chemo has to be working. Hooray!
There's light within any darkness. I just have to be willing to find it!
Chemo Round 2
I was really nervous before this round because if it was anything like last round, it was pretty miserable.
We planned to be there around 8 am but traffic was so bad! We went a different route, which was beautiful. We were passing by all these old but updated houses in the city with big trees and gorgeous landscaping. One day, it's my goal to have a small old house in the city and fix it up. That will be fun. (I love HGTV, can you tell?)
We thought we didn't have to do labs because of my visit to the clinic a few days previous, but the person that told us we didn't have to on the phone was wrong. I had to get labs.
Then I met with the nurse, NP, and my Dr. They were telling me that all my symptoms seemed to allign with my treatment, gave me tips for the aches, constipation, and told me how to get my calorie intake up. The NP even told me to try to exercise every day!
I was concerned with my intense flu like symptoms right after Chemo the first time. Dr. said it's very likely that that was the first reaction my body had to the tumor being broken up. He said I may respond better now.
He was right! Getting chemotherapy this time around was a lot more relaxed, quicker, and I felt more experienced. My nurse kept talking about how she thought I needed a port. When medical people tell me things, I really take it to heart because I don't know diddly about medical stuff! So I'm all worried now that my veins are going to blow up or something because I didn't get a port placed.
This is what one looks like and they insert it under your skin and the "straw" looking thing is hooked into one of your main arteries in your neck. When you go to get blood work done or Chemo, they just poke in your skin to get to that main round area on the port and presto! They're in.
What I've heard is that it's really bothersome, can get infected, but you don't have the medicine burning like it does going into an arm vein. I'm thinking it's a lot more convenient for the nurses so maybe that's why she was pushing me that way.
I just would like to stay away from any other surgeries for a while if I can. They say it's a pretty easy one where you don't have to be fully under. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it next time.
Back to Chemo- On the ride home, I started to get really cold and I thought to myself "oh no! not this again!" But I didn't get the shakes and the hot flashes. I was really tired and out of it pretty fast. I was hungry (good sign because last time I didn't really eat for 3 days) so I had lunch and went to bed. I reacted a lot better this round, it was so much more manageable. I'm learning to not overdo it when I feel ok because then ten minutes later I'm feeling gross again. The nausea and stomach aches seemed a little worse, but I have medicine for the nausea I'm always taking and it kept that at bay. The achy shoulders and arms came back 3-4 days after chemo and my back is starting to be achy too. Thank goodness for pain medication and for modern medicine in general. I mean, I probably would have had a watermelon in my chest before they found it 30 years ago! haha.
My mom was here all week, I had friends that brought meals to me, mowed my lawn, brought sweet notes and gifts, kept me company, and helped with my kids. I really am so grateful for the hearts people have---it's not easy to think about someone else when you have a crazy life and kids of your own, but my friends cease to amaze me. Thank you.
We planned to be there around 8 am but traffic was so bad! We went a different route, which was beautiful. We were passing by all these old but updated houses in the city with big trees and gorgeous landscaping. One day, it's my goal to have a small old house in the city and fix it up. That will be fun. (I love HGTV, can you tell?)
We thought we didn't have to do labs because of my visit to the clinic a few days previous, but the person that told us we didn't have to on the phone was wrong. I had to get labs.
Then I met with the nurse, NP, and my Dr. They were telling me that all my symptoms seemed to allign with my treatment, gave me tips for the aches, constipation, and told me how to get my calorie intake up. The NP even told me to try to exercise every day!
I was concerned with my intense flu like symptoms right after Chemo the first time. Dr. said it's very likely that that was the first reaction my body had to the tumor being broken up. He said I may respond better now.
He was right! Getting chemotherapy this time around was a lot more relaxed, quicker, and I felt more experienced. My nurse kept talking about how she thought I needed a port. When medical people tell me things, I really take it to heart because I don't know diddly about medical stuff! So I'm all worried now that my veins are going to blow up or something because I didn't get a port placed.
This is what one looks like and they insert it under your skin and the "straw" looking thing is hooked into one of your main arteries in your neck. When you go to get blood work done or Chemo, they just poke in your skin to get to that main round area on the port and presto! They're in.
What I've heard is that it's really bothersome, can get infected, but you don't have the medicine burning like it does going into an arm vein. I'm thinking it's a lot more convenient for the nurses so maybe that's why she was pushing me that way.
I just would like to stay away from any other surgeries for a while if I can. They say it's a pretty easy one where you don't have to be fully under. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it next time.
Back to Chemo- On the ride home, I started to get really cold and I thought to myself "oh no! not this again!" But I didn't get the shakes and the hot flashes. I was really tired and out of it pretty fast. I was hungry (good sign because last time I didn't really eat for 3 days) so I had lunch and went to bed. I reacted a lot better this round, it was so much more manageable. I'm learning to not overdo it when I feel ok because then ten minutes later I'm feeling gross again. The nausea and stomach aches seemed a little worse, but I have medicine for the nausea I'm always taking and it kept that at bay. The achy shoulders and arms came back 3-4 days after chemo and my back is starting to be achy too. Thank goodness for pain medication and for modern medicine in general. I mean, I probably would have had a watermelon in my chest before they found it 30 years ago! haha.
My mom was here all week, I had friends that brought meals to me, mowed my lawn, brought sweet notes and gifts, kept me company, and helped with my kids. I really am so grateful for the hearts people have---it's not easy to think about someone else when you have a crazy life and kids of your own, but my friends cease to amaze me. Thank you.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Cancer Deck
Remember that awesome vacation (Bahamas cruise) Brett and I were going to go on in a couple weeks? Well, we got all that money refunded and instead, Brett is going to build me a deck out back! He's a stud.
Although I would have loved to go to the Bahamas, the deck is something I can enjoy now.
We are calling it my cancer deck.
My kids LOVE to be outside (just like their mama). If it's nice outside, they are begging to be out there. I've been able to sit outside and watch them often. I have to cover myself because the chemo makes you burn easy, but it's so nice to get some fresh air.
I haven't been able to go running yet, just small walks because I don't have very much energy. It's just like pregnancy---a really intense pregnancy! haha.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Choose to Believe
Since I didn't go to church today, I decided to re-listen to General Conference. Twice each year, we listen to our prophet and leaders of the church. It's very inspiring and really helps you self evaluate and become better. Well with little kids, it's hard to pay attention for the 4- 2 hour sessions... so it's so nice that you can re-watch and listen at your own convenience.
I loved this quote from the talk "Choose to Believe" by Elder L. Whitney Clayton I listened to today-
"But all of us will, at some time or another, have to traverse our own spiritual wilderness and undertake our own rugged emotional journeys. In those moments, however dark or seemingly hopeless they may be, if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us, giving us the hope of rescue and relief. That light shines from the Savior of all mankind, who is the Light of the World."
Having cancer is hard. Although I have it set up pretty well, it's still physically and emotionally exhausting. Since chemo, I've had very few moments where I actually feel more like myself. There's tons of <not fun> side effects, but I know that there is an end in sight. Hopefully this is the only time I'll have to go through this, but if not, I'll know what to expect and I'll know that this is what I have to do to keep chugging along. In the big scheme of things, this is little. There is a light that is beckoning when I'm down--- telling me that I can do this and this is to curb me into what Heavenly Father needs me to be.
Here's the link to the whole talk: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/choose-to-believe?lang=eng
Friday, May 15, 2015
A little visit to the ACC
ACC = Acute Care Clinic
I was having a lot of achy pains in my arms an shoulders for the last couple days. I called the doctor because I wanted to know what I could take for pain. They said that it was best that I go into the clinic there and get checked out. Booo.
They did a physical, an EKG, and tested my blood.
Two and a half hours later they decided that the aches were probably just a side effect from chemo and that I was fine to go home. I was really grateful that it wasn't more than that.
Not the most ideal Friday night date, but Brett and I stopped at the Wendy's drive through and had spicy chicken sandwiches together on our way home.
I was having a lot of achy pains in my arms an shoulders for the last couple days. I called the doctor because I wanted to know what I could take for pain. They said that it was best that I go into the clinic there and get checked out. Booo.
They did a physical, an EKG, and tested my blood.
Two and a half hours later they decided that the aches were probably just a side effect from chemo and that I was fine to go home. I was really grateful that it wasn't more than that.
Not the most ideal Friday night date, but Brett and I stopped at the Wendy's drive through and had spicy chicken sandwiches together on our way home.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Chemotherapy Round 1
Didn't sleep the night before.... just so nervous for the unknown! I did my research, talked to my cancer friend people, but everyone has their own reaction to things!
It's like having a baby.... you all ultimately come out with the same result (baby) but getting there is all different. So hopefully I don't have those intense labors that last days.... oops that's already happened!
Brett and I had another blessing the night before and I loved the comfort I felt from it. In it, it instructed me to get closer to my Savior and that I could relate to what He did in the Garden of Gethsemane.
My friend Aubrey brought me over some cancer survival necessities. Flowers, treats, and notes were delivered. My neighbor friend Kristi put a basket together for me and organized meals and cleaning for my house. I just really felt loved. Like, this is the most I've ever felt loved. I cried.
CANCER MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED. Yes, it may suck, but man---you see that people are GOOD. They want to help. They are there for you.
Speaking of, when we were all ready to head to my Chemo infusion appointment, I headed out to the car and to my surprise, a whole bunch of my neighbors had gathered to send me off. They were all wearing "April's Army" shirts. I cried. I hugged everyone. What an awesome way to help me remember that I'm not alone in this.
We left the kids with Grandma Ann, and were on our way! On the way to Salt Lake we rocked out to our fight songs (see previous post) and I try to distract myself as much as possible.
At the infusion center, they make us wait, a guy comes past us with a FREE snack cart (Yes please!), a lady calls us back, and the lady disappears. So Brett and I walk in looking all confused (because we SWORE we both heard my name called.) haha. Anyways, they take me to my seat-- which has a recliner (I didn't luck out with a bed....but they do have them!) another nice chair, a TV, tables, next to the chairs and all the plug ins that you would need.
The facility also has two kitchens stocked with juice and snacks. You can bring in whatever food you want and whatever to help you be entertained.
A nurse came and got my vitals, then a different nurse came and told me about the facility and started my IV since I didn't (and still don't) have a port. (They kept thinking I did since I had bandages over my incision from the biopsy.) They put in some anti-nausea meds and a steroid to help me through the session.
The thing about Chemotherapy that takes such a long time is that they don't have the drugs waiting for you. Once you get there, they notify the pharmacy, the pharmacy mixes and makes the order, they check a hundred times to make sure amounts and drugs are correct, they send it to the infusion center, they check a hundred times, then 2 hours later, the nurses can start putting them in you! It took mine a little longer because they had to make sure my echo was normal.
During this time-- Brett called our insurance and found out that they won't cover making me a wig. Dang it.
Once they started "pushing" the meds, it went pretty quickly. They have to give you a test dose of the Bleomycin to make sure you don't have any severe reactions (It can be really hard on the heart) and then you have to wait 30 minutes. Then the real doses took 10 min, 5 min, 10 min, and 45 minutes. The last one (Dacarbazine) burned really bad going into my arm.
I think I was the last patient in the infusion center. It was after 6 pm and I was surprised that I felt pretty normal. I went to the bathroom (my pee was RED!---the Andriamycin does that.... it looks just like red kool-aid) but when I came out, I felt really funny. I felt sharp stabs right where my tumor was located. So, they take me in and have me evaluated to make sure everything is alright. I mean, last thing I want is to drive all the way home, just to have to come right back! So maybe I'm a little paranoid.... because the pain stopped, we decided that I was fine, and we head out to the car.
On the way, I started to feel a little woozy, and cold. The whole car ride home I was FREEZING. We had all the blankets on me, my seat heater, and I was still chattering from being so cold. I get home, say hey to the kids and head for bed. For hours, I tossed and turned with what felt like a really intense flu. Once I finally warmed up, I got so hot, I started a mild fever, I was so dizzy and achy, then I would get cold again, toss and turn, and it was just not fun.
Once I got to sleep though, I was outttttttttttttttt for a couple days. I did get up Saturday a couple times, and I would get up to take my meds, my friend Vanessa from Logan came over, but I don't remember much! I'll have to talk to Vanessa to see if I was being funny. By Sunday night, I was feeling a little better and acting more conscious.
Brett's mom left Monday afternoon and I realized that I was not as well as I thought. It was so tough. I love my kids so much, but I did not have enough energy to be able to take care of them. It is so hard to have the responsibility of "mom" and not be able to do it because you are sick. I had my friend Meghan help both Monday and Tuesday (by taking Sadie so I could nap) and then my mom flew in earlier than planned and came out Wednesday. I guess that I might need someone here with me throughout this whole process! Maybe I should hire a nanny or a housekeeper? or both? haha. But that's the thing, I have so many people in my neighborhood and outside of it that want to help. I just need to be better at asking.
So now, I'm just reaaaallly tired and weak, achy, I have a lovely cold sore on my lip, I'm still really itchy (hopefully that will go away soon), constipated (---hey I'm just being honest here), food doesn't taste good, and I just don't feel well.
BUT-- I'm not here to dwell in self pity because there are people that have it worse then me. My family and I are going to get through this. This is "but a moment."
So let's think about positives (it's getting a lot harder these days....) I am sleeping pretty well at night, my kids are playing really well together, I am really focusing on what matters on the day to day, Brett is amazing at picking up all my slack (for realz... what would I do without him?), I haven't thrown up, the flowers on my trees outside finally bloomed, Sadie prays for me every night (and tonight she told me Jesus didn't want me to be sick anymore,) I love the rain and storms, I have great friends and family members, I can still function and take care of myself, I love my bed still.
I think of the quote I had growing up with a picture of Christ "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
Getting through life at this point and time will be worth it.
It's like having a baby.... you all ultimately come out with the same result (baby) but getting there is all different. So hopefully I don't have those intense labors that last days.... oops that's already happened!
Brett and I had another blessing the night before and I loved the comfort I felt from it. In it, it instructed me to get closer to my Savior and that I could relate to what He did in the Garden of Gethsemane.
My friend Aubrey brought me over some cancer survival necessities. Flowers, treats, and notes were delivered. My neighbor friend Kristi put a basket together for me and organized meals and cleaning for my house. I just really felt loved. Like, this is the most I've ever felt loved. I cried.
CANCER MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED. Yes, it may suck, but man---you see that people are GOOD. They want to help. They are there for you.
Speaking of, when we were all ready to head to my Chemo infusion appointment, I headed out to the car and to my surprise, a whole bunch of my neighbors had gathered to send me off. They were all wearing "April's Army" shirts. I cried. I hugged everyone. What an awesome way to help me remember that I'm not alone in this.
We left the kids with Grandma Ann, and were on our way! On the way to Salt Lake we rocked out to our fight songs (see previous post) and I try to distract myself as much as possible.
At the infusion center, they make us wait, a guy comes past us with a FREE snack cart (Yes please!), a lady calls us back, and the lady disappears. So Brett and I walk in looking all confused (because we SWORE we both heard my name called.) haha. Anyways, they take me to my seat-- which has a recliner (I didn't luck out with a bed....but they do have them!) another nice chair, a TV, tables, next to the chairs and all the plug ins that you would need.
The facility also has two kitchens stocked with juice and snacks. You can bring in whatever food you want and whatever to help you be entertained.
A nurse came and got my vitals, then a different nurse came and told me about the facility and started my IV since I didn't (and still don't) have a port. (They kept thinking I did since I had bandages over my incision from the biopsy.) They put in some anti-nausea meds and a steroid to help me through the session.
The thing about Chemotherapy that takes such a long time is that they don't have the drugs waiting for you. Once you get there, they notify the pharmacy, the pharmacy mixes and makes the order, they check a hundred times to make sure amounts and drugs are correct, they send it to the infusion center, they check a hundred times, then 2 hours later, the nurses can start putting them in you! It took mine a little longer because they had to make sure my echo was normal.
During this time-- Brett called our insurance and found out that they won't cover making me a wig. Dang it.
Once they started "pushing" the meds, it went pretty quickly. They have to give you a test dose of the Bleomycin to make sure you don't have any severe reactions (It can be really hard on the heart) and then you have to wait 30 minutes. Then the real doses took 10 min, 5 min, 10 min, and 45 minutes. The last one (Dacarbazine) burned really bad going into my arm.
I think I was the last patient in the infusion center. It was after 6 pm and I was surprised that I felt pretty normal. I went to the bathroom (my pee was RED!---the Andriamycin does that.... it looks just like red kool-aid) but when I came out, I felt really funny. I felt sharp stabs right where my tumor was located. So, they take me in and have me evaluated to make sure everything is alright. I mean, last thing I want is to drive all the way home, just to have to come right back! So maybe I'm a little paranoid.... because the pain stopped, we decided that I was fine, and we head out to the car.
On the way, I started to feel a little woozy, and cold. The whole car ride home I was FREEZING. We had all the blankets on me, my seat heater, and I was still chattering from being so cold. I get home, say hey to the kids and head for bed. For hours, I tossed and turned with what felt like a really intense flu. Once I finally warmed up, I got so hot, I started a mild fever, I was so dizzy and achy, then I would get cold again, toss and turn, and it was just not fun.
Once I got to sleep though, I was outttttttttttttttt for a couple days. I did get up Saturday a couple times, and I would get up to take my meds, my friend Vanessa from Logan came over, but I don't remember much! I'll have to talk to Vanessa to see if I was being funny. By Sunday night, I was feeling a little better and acting more conscious.
Brett's mom left Monday afternoon and I realized that I was not as well as I thought. It was so tough. I love my kids so much, but I did not have enough energy to be able to take care of them. It is so hard to have the responsibility of "mom" and not be able to do it because you are sick. I had my friend Meghan help both Monday and Tuesday (by taking Sadie so I could nap) and then my mom flew in earlier than planned and came out Wednesday. I guess that I might need someone here with me throughout this whole process! Maybe I should hire a nanny or a housekeeper? or both? haha. But that's the thing, I have so many people in my neighborhood and outside of it that want to help. I just need to be better at asking.
So now, I'm just reaaaallly tired and weak, achy, I have a lovely cold sore on my lip, I'm still really itchy (hopefully that will go away soon), constipated (---hey I'm just being honest here), food doesn't taste good, and I just don't feel well.
BUT-- I'm not here to dwell in self pity because there are people that have it worse then me. My family and I are going to get through this. This is "but a moment."
So let's think about positives (it's getting a lot harder these days....) I am sleeping pretty well at night, my kids are playing really well together, I am really focusing on what matters on the day to day, Brett is amazing at picking up all my slack (for realz... what would I do without him?), I haven't thrown up, the flowers on my trees outside finally bloomed, Sadie prays for me every night (and tonight she told me Jesus didn't want me to be sick anymore,) I love the rain and storms, I have great friends and family members, I can still function and take care of myself, I love my bed still.
I think of the quote I had growing up with a picture of Christ "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."
Getting through life at this point and time will be worth it.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Battle Songs
Just in case you were wondering, Brett and I have indeed come up with a couple of fight songs.
That's just how we roll.
I like to blast them in the car, Brett would rather listen to them at a normal calm level, but we find a happy in between.
Katy Perry - Roar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8
The Warrior- Scandal/ Patty Smyth ----->>> You HAVE to see the dance fighting in this video! HAHAHAHA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47y5bo8wtqM
and another new one we were introduced to by a friend (thanks Andrea), this one moves you, so be prepared for some tears-
Fight Song- Rachel Platten
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVxon65u3tA
That's just how we roll.
I like to blast them in the car, Brett would rather listen to them at a normal calm level, but we find a happy in between.
Katy Perry - Roar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CevxZvSJLk8
The Warrior- Scandal/ Patty Smyth ----->>> You HAVE to see the dance fighting in this video! HAHAHAHA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47y5bo8wtqM
and another new one we were introduced to by a friend (thanks Andrea), this one moves you, so be prepared for some tears-
Fight Song- Rachel Platten
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVxon65u3tA
ECHO!
Since cancer medications (Chemicals--- we're now calling them that for the children's sake) <See below> can do a number on your heart and since the location of my tumor is right next to my heart, Doctor thought it would be good to do an Echo before I start Chemo.
<My friend Katie said that she told her daughter they were chemicals---good idea because I don't want to call it medicine and for Sadie to see me suffering and sick from the "medicine." Because "medicine" is supposed to make you feel better. So chemicals it is... >
I had two days to get the echo done. Thank goodness they had ONE appointment before Friday down in Provo. I took it. I haven't been sleeping the last couple nights. It's hard when you are jumping into the unknown.
So my appointment for the Echo was today. An echo is really cool. It's an ultrasound of your heart. Since I'm very curious, I ask a lot of questions and luckily my radiologist tech was really cool and would just explain everything to me. She also added in random facts about the heart. Like, did you know that 90% of the population have at least 1 leaky valve in their heart? Since the heart is so strong, it makes up for that.
Good times. I like appointments that aren't painful.
Of course she couldn't say anything about the results, but she did say that if there was anything emergent, she wasn't allowed to let me leave the hospital. So, I guess I wasn't in bad shape!
Next step--- CHEMOTHERAPY! Freaking out just a little bit.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
My Cancer BFF
Of course, my honey, who has stuck through this and been with me every step of the way is my best friend. Brett sure has stepped it up and although it's super hard on him, he's always come back with a level head and helped me when I need.
But, kinda funny- I met this girl, Angie. She lives in my neighborhood. Two years ago she was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. She has been my go to girl.
Now that I have my "official" diagnosis, we found out that we are meant to be here for each other. (More like she was meant to have cancer so she could help me and my family through it..... haha)
So I start treatments exactly 2 years later than she did, we have the same type, we are both blonde, we will have the same treatment schedule (every other week for 4 months, then radiation.)
I sure love her. She has given me so much advice and comfort through this. I can't thank her enough.
Tonight she came over and gave me the chemo run down. What I'll need, how I might feel, and some lovely side effects they don't tell you about. I felt sooooo much better after talking to her.
Seeing how well she's doing now gives me hope that I'll pop back and get back to life quickly. What a great cancer BFF.
I have also contacted a couple more girls that I know that had this same cancer-
My Logan bunco friend Katie JUST barely experienced this as well-- among other hardships (Finished chemo a few months ago and she is such a fighter and inspiration.) I love how this has brought us so close even talking a little. We are the same age, stage of life, our daughters are tiny and adorable. Basically Heavenly Father is saying we NEED to be friends.
Also, Jackie, a friend from my ward up in Logan also went through this when she was just 17. I feel blessed to have known her experience---her experience was the first "hodgkin lymphoma" I had ever heard of.
I also have come into contact through friends of some other girls that have gone through what I have. It's amazing to hear their journey and take on things.
Love the bonds and friends I have created through this. Having cancer may suck, but it's temporary. These experiences I have and people I meet will be life-long.
But, kinda funny- I met this girl, Angie. She lives in my neighborhood. Two years ago she was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. She has been my go to girl.
Now that I have my "official" diagnosis, we found out that we are meant to be here for each other. (More like she was meant to have cancer so she could help me and my family through it..... haha)
So I start treatments exactly 2 years later than she did, we have the same type, we are both blonde, we will have the same treatment schedule (every other week for 4 months, then radiation.)
I sure love her. She has given me so much advice and comfort through this. I can't thank her enough.
Tonight she came over and gave me the chemo run down. What I'll need, how I might feel, and some lovely side effects they don't tell you about. I felt sooooo much better after talking to her.
Seeing how well she's doing now gives me hope that I'll pop back and get back to life quickly. What a great cancer BFF.
I have also contacted a couple more girls that I know that had this same cancer-
My Logan bunco friend Katie JUST barely experienced this as well-- among other hardships (Finished chemo a few months ago and she is such a fighter and inspiration.) I love how this has brought us so close even talking a little. We are the same age, stage of life, our daughters are tiny and adorable. Basically Heavenly Father is saying we NEED to be friends.
Also, Jackie, a friend from my ward up in Logan also went through this when she was just 17. I feel blessed to have known her experience---her experience was the first "hodgkin lymphoma" I had ever heard of.
I also have come into contact through friends of some other girls that have gone through what I have. It's amazing to hear their journey and take on things.
Love the bonds and friends I have created through this. Having cancer may suck, but it's temporary. These experiences I have and people I meet will be life-long.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Meeting the New Doc
Now that they officially know it's cancer, I met with my new oncologist today. I'm excited to have him as my doctor because he's the head of basically the whole department of the place I'm going. He's on several boards for cancers and his expertise is lymphomas.
AND he's British.... So that's cool. I like hearing him talk so maybe I ask a lot of dumb questions, but he's patient with me! That's a plus!
My appointment was at 2. I was there for over 3 hours. Here I am patiently waiting.
We discussed everything. I had a physical with the PA-- I really like her, and then the Doctor came in.
He said with the location and size of my tumor that the smartest method of treatment would be to do both chemotherapy and radiation. One chemotherapy treatment every other week for four months, then 2-4 weeks of radiation (1 treatment each day, 5 days a week.)
I'll have a scan halfway through my chemo treatments to see how it's going. He said if there is no trace of cancer then I wouldn't have to do radiation! That'd be cool.
The risks- Just having a cancer makes my risks a little higher to get another cancer. With radiation, my risk for breast cancer and heart disease increases. If I opt out of radiation (some people do) and do extra chemo, the chances increase of this cancer coming back. So I'm just a walking cancer risk at this point! haha.
We talked about when. We could start as early as Thursday or Friday (That's 2-3 days from now!) as long as I had an Echo done on my heart because some of the Cancer meds can affect your heart.
So Friday seemed like a good day to start. We scheduled my first chemo treatment for then. If I wanted to stay on a Friday schedule, I'd have to come in twice each week because my doc is only in office on Tuesdays. He wants to see me every other time I come in. I'll start this Friday, then move to Tuesdays so I can have less driving and appointments.
We talked to him about having more children in the future and he said the odds are pretty good- but no guarantees. We could harvest eggs, store them, do invitro.... $$$$super expensive and it would take 3-4 more weeks for that process. We could do the birth control shot each month which would temporary "freeze" everything-- which helps your chances a bit, is covered by insurance and we could do that today.
So that's what we did. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate needles?
In the past weeks I'm pretty sure I've been poked 20+ times.
Kinda funny, when we went in to get this shot, I was joking "So, do I just pull down my pants and you poke me in the bum?" and they totally were serious and said "yeah. Give us a minute."
What???? I was totally joking about the poking in the bum part! Surely there are medical advances where they could just prick my finger or something. I started to freak out, especially because they were holding up the needle and flicking it right in front of my face. They kept telling me to relax--- yeah, you're about to poke me in the bum with a really long needle lady! Brett told me "Just do it for our future family!" How could I refuse that.
We then went over my Cancer binder with my new RN bff Karissa. It has all the info to all the chemo drugs I'll be given, reactions, my schedule, what to do when this happens, etc. It also has everyone's contact info, including how to get in touch with her 24/7. My treatment is called ABVD -
Well, here goes nothing!
We discussed everything. I had a physical with the PA-- I really like her, and then the Doctor came in.
He said with the location and size of my tumor that the smartest method of treatment would be to do both chemotherapy and radiation. One chemotherapy treatment every other week for four months, then 2-4 weeks of radiation (1 treatment each day, 5 days a week.)
I'll have a scan halfway through my chemo treatments to see how it's going. He said if there is no trace of cancer then I wouldn't have to do radiation! That'd be cool.
The risks- Just having a cancer makes my risks a little higher to get another cancer. With radiation, my risk for breast cancer and heart disease increases. If I opt out of radiation (some people do) and do extra chemo, the chances increase of this cancer coming back. So I'm just a walking cancer risk at this point! haha.
We talked about when. We could start as early as Thursday or Friday (That's 2-3 days from now!) as long as I had an Echo done on my heart because some of the Cancer meds can affect your heart.
So Friday seemed like a good day to start. We scheduled my first chemo treatment for then. If I wanted to stay on a Friday schedule, I'd have to come in twice each week because my doc is only in office on Tuesdays. He wants to see me every other time I come in. I'll start this Friday, then move to Tuesdays so I can have less driving and appointments.
We talked to him about having more children in the future and he said the odds are pretty good- but no guarantees. We could harvest eggs, store them, do invitro.... $$$$super expensive and it would take 3-4 more weeks for that process. We could do the birth control shot each month which would temporary "freeze" everything-- which helps your chances a bit, is covered by insurance and we could do that today.
So that's what we did. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate needles?
In the past weeks I'm pretty sure I've been poked 20+ times.
Kinda funny, when we went in to get this shot, I was joking "So, do I just pull down my pants and you poke me in the bum?" and they totally were serious and said "yeah. Give us a minute."
What???? I was totally joking about the poking in the bum part! Surely there are medical advances where they could just prick my finger or something. I started to freak out, especially because they were holding up the needle and flicking it right in front of my face. They kept telling me to relax--- yeah, you're about to poke me in the bum with a really long needle lady! Brett told me "Just do it for our future family!" How could I refuse that.
We then went over my Cancer binder with my new RN bff Karissa. It has all the info to all the chemo drugs I'll be given, reactions, my schedule, what to do when this happens, etc. It also has everyone's contact info, including how to get in touch with her 24/7. My treatment is called ABVD -
- (A)driamycin -- "Red Devil" --it looks just like red kool-aid- Causes hair loss and turns your pee red
- (B)leomycin ---changes in skin, fingernails, and mouth sores
- (V)inblastine- Causes hair loss too, weakness, upset stomach
- (D)acarbazine - upset stomach , hair loss
And they all cause drowsiness and weakness.
Well, here goes nothing!
Sharing with the social media world
Things were already spreading like wildfire- so I didn't want to leave anyone out.
I posted this on Instagram and Facebook:
Of course I did not want the attention, I just didn't want to leave anyone out. But my oh my, the support, the love, the messages--- made me feel like my family and I were just going to be taken care of. And that's how it's been. Heavenly Father prepares the way for you to fight trials and to come out stronger. He also sets people on your path to rise to the occasion and help (even if just by a kind word or compliment.) You never know what people are going through and it never hurts to lend a positive word or hand. I'm learning that that's the person I want to become. Just like these angels Heavenly Father has sent me. Maybe that's why I needed to go through this? To be trained to be more sympathetic and kind, because life can be tough and no one should have to go through it alone.
I posted this on Instagram and Facebook:
Of course I did not want the attention, I just didn't want to leave anyone out. But my oh my, the support, the love, the messages--- made me feel like my family and I were just going to be taken care of. And that's how it's been. Heavenly Father prepares the way for you to fight trials and to come out stronger. He also sets people on your path to rise to the occasion and help (even if just by a kind word or compliment.) You never know what people are going through and it never hurts to lend a positive word or hand. I'm learning that that's the person I want to become. Just like these angels Heavenly Father has sent me. Maybe that's why I needed to go through this? To be trained to be more sympathetic and kind, because life can be tough and no one should have to go through it alone.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
My name is April and I have Hodgkin Lymphoma
While I was in the recovery stages from the biopsy, I was called by the office I had gone to previously on Friday and the nurse said that I indeed had what they were thinking.
I have Hodgkin Lymphoma. I have cancer.
Whoa.
I told them, "Hey thanks, but I'm going to go a different oncologist now."
During my biopsy day, Brett arranged to have me go up to a cancer center a Luke bit further away from me. Apparently they are well known for being great at fighting cancer and my new doctor, expertizing in lymphomas.
Now, when they tell you that you have cancer, it's not only your problem. It's a whole heck of trial for your husband as well. Children, parents, in laws, other family members and friends are affected too. So this title should read "We have Hodgkin lymphoma."
Or- it's not Canceri, it's canceroUS.
I need to do better at saying the "we" because it's not just me that has to suffer. I get all the attention, but Brett is doing soooo much too. He was not trained to be a mom, but now he's taking on the job full time for a while when I'm down, plus working, plus making sure I'm staying alive.
I sure do love him. This is something that is going to make us so much stronger as a couple.
So if you see Brett, give him a really awkward hug. He'll love it.
Oh hey life, see you in 3 days!
I had the biopsy done on April 30th.
It is now May 3rd and I finally feel like I'm getting better.
Whewf. This cancer must affect your immune system because I was sick.
Kinda funny because I totally thought that I'd be up and at it Friday. I had plans to go to Park city with my college girlfriends to celebrate mine and Hayley's birthday (we have the SAME birthday-it's so fun), but that had to be cancelled.
Here's how the day(s) went:
My good friend Sarah came to be with the kids for the day of the surgery. Bless her heart. I didn't know we would be gone basically the whole day.
I left for the hospital just after 8 in the morning.
We get to same day surgery hospital and have to wait because it's so busy.
They get me back, I have to get poked again, pee in a cup again (still not pregnant people), then dress in the ugliest hospital clothes ever. They were basically made out of soft paper. I didn't get a picture of the navy blue paper shorts (I spared you, I promise), but refer below to the amazing gown.
(Note to self: Million $$$ idea- create cute surgical wear for patients or even switch up the color or something)
I am now in Pre-op, which in Provo, Utah looks like it does in Grey's anatomy. A ton of patients separated by curtains chillin at the hospital waiting for their doctor. Nurse comes in, starts an IV, and gives me a time frame (not accurate at all.)
My surgery time of 10:15 comes and goes, but I'm watching Friends on Netflix-- so life is good besides the fact that I could eat a whole pizza.
They finally come get me, I say goodbye to Brett, and I go into "Holding." I think the "Holding" room doubles as the morgue or something because it was the saddest place I think I have ever been. And I was there longer than most because they surgeon called right when I got there and said that the previous surgery was going over the expected time. Imagine a pretty small room, with 4-6 people laying on wheelie beds, all with IV's, no privacy, no windows, and it's soooo quiet. There's one nurse in there, so anytime she talks to a patient, everyone can hear the conversation.
I was really glad they had People magazines from the last couple months. I definitely updated myself in the celeb world while I was there.
Oh, and of course (hahaha) they wheel an old guy directly across from me--- awkward. We never caught each other looking at each other. So that was good. I'm pretty sure he didn't get the memo to put the cute navy blue paper shorts on and he refused a blanket---so who wore a shorty short dress? That guy did!
The anesthesiologist came in, questioned me, gave me the run down. I decided to trust him. The Operating Room Nurse came in (His name was Brett! Nothing like my Brett though--- not tall, not handsome) but he gave me drugs and that was nice. He went and got Dr. McCann (the surgeon) and he talked to me for a minute.
Brett (the nurse, not my Brett) wheeled me down the hallway, I went into the OR, looked up at the lights, heard people talking, then I was out.
I was out for about an hour and a half. Dr. McCann made an incision on the left side of my chest about 1.5 inches long, got enough tissue to test, made the assessment that it was indeed a lymphoma, and done.
It took me a while to gain consciousness. I remember hearing people but I couldn't open my eyes for even a second because I was so nauseous. Then I remember being wheeled and then hearing Brett's (my Brett's) voice. My recovery room was a lot more private (It actually had a door! yay!) and I was there for over two hours trying to wake up enough to get home. A couple of funny's: I had a thought that music might help me so I had Brett turn on pandora on my phone. He asked me what station and I immediately thought BOY BANDS. Lovely. That lasted not very long. Didn't help the nausea at all. Also Brett wanted a picture, I didn't like opening both my eyes (because everything made me throw up) so I opened one I and pretended I was a pirate with a hook. Pretty cute picture that was, I'll tell you that. haha.
I had Brett (my Brett--Haven't seen the nurse Brett ever again) help me change, then he went to get the car. Apparently the girl that was helping me in recovery didn't exactly tell Brett where to pick me up so she was wheeling me around everywhere trying to find him. (Remember, I am getting sick at every turn, twist, and bump) I even asked her "Did you tell him where to pick me up?" She said "yeah, out front." I know my husband--- and I was pretty sure he didn't know where to go. Haha. It's funny now, but I was pretty nasty then. I probably should apologize for the way I acted to her on drugs. (I really wasn't that bad....)
We finally find him. He went back and parked and was walking back in because he couldn't see us.
In the car finally. We stop and wal-mart and all I can think of was the reeses peanut butter cup cookies keebler makes. Brett gets my meds and picks up cookies (wrong kind... by the way... haha) Maybe it was a good thing because I couldn't keep anything down.
I get home and go straight to my bed. I see my kids but I have to just lay there because of the pain and nausea.
The next day, same story, but a little better. I stopped throwing up, but still wanted to be in bed all day. I felt a little better each day after. Carter threw up twice Friday night. I wonder if I had his sickness on top of surgery recovery? Maybe that's why I was so out for the count.
Saturday evening we took a family walk around the block and that was hard for me, but I like being outside, and it felt good to do something besides lay in bed. We also hung out outside while the kids played.
I decided that I didn't like being on the crazy pain medication, so I just took IB profen and tylenol. That helped with the nausea.
Sunday, I was still tired, but I took Sadie to the first hour of church and Brett came for the last two hours. It was nice to be in public, put on make-up and actually get ready.
On the first Sunday of every month, the LDS faith has a "Fast and Testimony Meeting." It's just how it sounds. Members fast for things: answers to questions, help, healing, etc. then at the church service instead of having speakers or a sermon, anyone from the congregation can get up and share their beliefs and learnings of Heavenly Father and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I was prompted to share mine. I was so nervous, but I did it, and I cried. But that's ok. Because I know that this trial has come to me to make me stronger. I know that our Heavenly Father is not a cruel God, I know that he is with me every step of the way. Like I said in previous posts- I know that when I pray because I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed, or confused, He is there Listening. I know that Jesus Christ was the one that prepared the way for us to be able to live with Heavenly Father again. He suffered and died for us. He knows what I am feeling, He knows what its like to have a long term illness. He did all that because he loved me. He loves all of us. And our Father in Heaven loves all of us and wants us to be happy. He wants us to learn and become like him. He gives us these trials to help others, to experience things, to become better. I am trying to look at this whole cancer experience as just that. A time to experience a new thing, become a better (more humble) person, and to help others.
It is now May 3rd and I finally feel like I'm getting better.
Whewf. This cancer must affect your immune system because I was sick.
Kinda funny because I totally thought that I'd be up and at it Friday. I had plans to go to Park city with my college girlfriends to celebrate mine and Hayley's birthday (we have the SAME birthday-it's so fun), but that had to be cancelled.
Here's how the day(s) went:
My good friend Sarah came to be with the kids for the day of the surgery. Bless her heart. I didn't know we would be gone basically the whole day.
I left for the hospital just after 8 in the morning.
We get to same day surgery hospital and have to wait because it's so busy.
They get me back, I have to get poked again, pee in a cup again (still not pregnant people), then dress in the ugliest hospital clothes ever. They were basically made out of soft paper. I didn't get a picture of the navy blue paper shorts (I spared you, I promise), but refer below to the amazing gown.
(Note to self: Million $$$ idea- create cute surgical wear for patients or even switch up the color or something)
I am now in Pre-op, which in Provo, Utah looks like it does in Grey's anatomy. A ton of patients separated by curtains chillin at the hospital waiting for their doctor. Nurse comes in, starts an IV, and gives me a time frame (not accurate at all.)
My surgery time of 10:15 comes and goes, but I'm watching Friends on Netflix-- so life is good besides the fact that I could eat a whole pizza.
They finally come get me, I say goodbye to Brett, and I go into "Holding." I think the "Holding" room doubles as the morgue or something because it was the saddest place I think I have ever been. And I was there longer than most because they surgeon called right when I got there and said that the previous surgery was going over the expected time. Imagine a pretty small room, with 4-6 people laying on wheelie beds, all with IV's, no privacy, no windows, and it's soooo quiet. There's one nurse in there, so anytime she talks to a patient, everyone can hear the conversation.
I was really glad they had People magazines from the last couple months. I definitely updated myself in the celeb world while I was there.
Oh, and of course (hahaha) they wheel an old guy directly across from me--- awkward. We never caught each other looking at each other. So that was good. I'm pretty sure he didn't get the memo to put the cute navy blue paper shorts on and he refused a blanket---so who wore a shorty short dress? That guy did!
The anesthesiologist came in, questioned me, gave me the run down. I decided to trust him. The Operating Room Nurse came in (His name was Brett! Nothing like my Brett though--- not tall, not handsome) but he gave me drugs and that was nice. He went and got Dr. McCann (the surgeon) and he talked to me for a minute.
Brett (the nurse, not my Brett) wheeled me down the hallway, I went into the OR, looked up at the lights, heard people talking, then I was out.
I was out for about an hour and a half. Dr. McCann made an incision on the left side of my chest about 1.5 inches long, got enough tissue to test, made the assessment that it was indeed a lymphoma, and done.
It took me a while to gain consciousness. I remember hearing people but I couldn't open my eyes for even a second because I was so nauseous. Then I remember being wheeled and then hearing Brett's (my Brett's) voice. My recovery room was a lot more private (It actually had a door! yay!) and I was there for over two hours trying to wake up enough to get home. A couple of funny's: I had a thought that music might help me so I had Brett turn on pandora on my phone. He asked me what station and I immediately thought BOY BANDS. Lovely. That lasted not very long. Didn't help the nausea at all. Also Brett wanted a picture, I didn't like opening both my eyes (because everything made me throw up) so I opened one I and pretended I was a pirate with a hook. Pretty cute picture that was, I'll tell you that. haha.
I had Brett (my Brett--Haven't seen the nurse Brett ever again) help me change, then he went to get the car. Apparently the girl that was helping me in recovery didn't exactly tell Brett where to pick me up so she was wheeling me around everywhere trying to find him. (Remember, I am getting sick at every turn, twist, and bump) I even asked her "Did you tell him where to pick me up?" She said "yeah, out front." I know my husband--- and I was pretty sure he didn't know where to go. Haha. It's funny now, but I was pretty nasty then. I probably should apologize for the way I acted to her on drugs. (I really wasn't that bad....)
We finally find him. He went back and parked and was walking back in because he couldn't see us.
In the car finally. We stop and wal-mart and all I can think of was the reeses peanut butter cup cookies keebler makes. Brett gets my meds and picks up cookies (wrong kind... by the way... haha) Maybe it was a good thing because I couldn't keep anything down.
I get home and go straight to my bed. I see my kids but I have to just lay there because of the pain and nausea.
The next day, same story, but a little better. I stopped throwing up, but still wanted to be in bed all day. I felt a little better each day after. Carter threw up twice Friday night. I wonder if I had his sickness on top of surgery recovery? Maybe that's why I was so out for the count.
Saturday evening we took a family walk around the block and that was hard for me, but I like being outside, and it felt good to do something besides lay in bed. We also hung out outside while the kids played.
I decided that I didn't like being on the crazy pain medication, so I just took IB profen and tylenol. That helped with the nausea.
Sunday, I was still tired, but I took Sadie to the first hour of church and Brett came for the last two hours. It was nice to be in public, put on make-up and actually get ready.
On the first Sunday of every month, the LDS faith has a "Fast and Testimony Meeting." It's just how it sounds. Members fast for things: answers to questions, help, healing, etc. then at the church service instead of having speakers or a sermon, anyone from the congregation can get up and share their beliefs and learnings of Heavenly Father and the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
I was prompted to share mine. I was so nervous, but I did it, and I cried. But that's ok. Because I know that this trial has come to me to make me stronger. I know that our Heavenly Father is not a cruel God, I know that he is with me every step of the way. Like I said in previous posts- I know that when I pray because I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed, or confused, He is there Listening. I know that Jesus Christ was the one that prepared the way for us to be able to live with Heavenly Father again. He suffered and died for us. He knows what I am feeling, He knows what its like to have a long term illness. He did all that because he loved me. He loves all of us. And our Father in Heaven loves all of us and wants us to be happy. He wants us to learn and become like him. He gives us these trials to help others, to experience things, to become better. I am trying to look at this whole cancer experience as just that. A time to experience a new thing, become a better (more humble) person, and to help others.
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