Chemo 8

I think these 2 weeks have been the longest so far. 

If I chose to do radiation, I would be done with chemotherapy right now!!!!  But, this will be better in the long run for me. 

It was a pretty good round.  I didn't meet with my doctor, and they were really fast!  I came home from chemo and took a really long nap.  Usually I'm not able so sleep right after chemo, so that was a good sign. 

I scheduled the kids swimming lessons for this week, so my mom and I took them.  I didn't need to go, it was just nice to get out of the house, even though I was a chemozombie.

CHEMOZOMBIE- (Noun) A person who has just had chemotherapy.  They may be weak, tired, and nauseous. Eyesight may be compromised and they may have an overall feeling of being out of it. Appetite loss, weird tastes, aches, and sleeplessness are also very common.

Sadie also started soccer.   These little things are helpful distractions from the not so fun side effects chemotherapy brings.

There was one night this past week where I was looking in the mirror and I just thought to myself, "wow, I have cancer."  I have that horrible disease that takes over people's bodies and kills them.  I am fighting this nasty killer off.  It was a surreal moment.  And it's crazy that it's still surreal because I don't feel that well and I have no energy.  You think that would be a constant reminder. 

But I guess it's not like I look at this whole experience as killing me.  This is not how I will die.  I will fight, survive, and come out stronger and better. 

I was concerned this week because I was having pain where my tumor was or is (maybe it's all the way gone right now....that'd be cool.)  My arm even went a little numb here and there.  The Dr. said it may be because of blood flow and because it's breaking up the tumor that's lining the wall of my heart.  I hope everything is still ok and working.

This is a picture of my port "Accessed." 

I was heart attacked by someone.  It was such a fun surprise.  My favorite is the "poo poo on cancer" haha

And yeah.... I thought this was funny.  And true! I can-cer vive! 

My Wig

A couple of days ago, I got the wig my brother Brian and sister in law Jessica had been working on. 

It is beautiful. 

I didn't know how special it truly was until the night before I got it.   Jessica texted me that I should get it the next day.  She then sent me these pictures:

I immediately started crying. 

My 9 year old niece Adelia chose to cut her hair and donate it to become a wig for me.  What a touching and amazing gift to give someone without hair.   I now realize how much I loved my hair, and as a 9 year old, she loved her hair too.  She had been growing it out and didn't want to cut it until she had this opportunity arise. 

They contacted someone who makes wigs in California, I had to measure my head all these different sorts of ways and a couple weeks later they sent me a temporary wig.

Adelia's wig is soooo soft and it just really fits me.  It makes me feel better about myself.... like I'm not a cancer patient. 

Some of my high school friends wanted in on getting me a wig and donated money for it as well.  I'm so grateful for them and their willingness to help. Meredith, Jess, Alissa, and Caroline-- miles may separate us, but they found a way to be involved and help.  Thank you so much. 

This wig is not just to help me look less cancer-y but a representation of love and sacrifice. I will treasure this wig for the rest of my life.   When I put it on, I remember the love, the time and the money that was put into it.  It could look like a mullet for all I care and I'd wear it with pride (It doesn't, it's beautiful and that's cool too.)

Thanks for making me feel like I'm worth it.

I miss my hair

These days, I walk past a mirror and I don't even recognize myself.

My eyelashes are falling out.

My eyes are sunken in.

My eyebrows are so thin.  

I never feel like dressing up or putting on make-up (I mean...it's hard to make things go with a bald head!)  

Wigs are ok, it's just hot outside and they make my head itch.  

I forget things, lots of things.  It takes me longer to talk and express my thoughts. 

I am a cancer patient. 

As I said before, cancer is not glamorous. 

I was driving the other day and a supped up Subaru full of young men pass me by.  They hit the brakes so they were just even with me and were laughing.  It was then that I realized that they couldn't figure out if I was a man or a woman!  Hurt. Pain. I cried. 

Those that have known me for a long time know how much I love my makeup, shoes, and dressing up.  (K, so I've kinda gone downhill since motherhood....) But it's made me think about 'what is April known for' or what I am good at, what I bring to the table. Heavenly Father is teaching me that it's not about looks, although looking and feeling pretty is great, but more importantly I need to love and be kind.   I love the new Cinderella movie and I think the "Have courage and be kind" hits my motive on the head.  

I had a really good day Monday, so I took the kids out. As we were leaving a woman also in a ball cap approached me and took off her hat and said "hey, same haircuts!". We talked for a bit. She was fighting breast cancer and also had young kids she was trying to herd. I'm so sad she has to go through this, but it did make me feel not so alone in this.  I knew she knew the stresses of being young and having cancer.  She knew what it was like to have to be a mom and be sick all the time. She knew what it was like to just want to go and have a fun summer but can't.  

Hugs to my stranger friend and anyone that's hurting or going through a battle of their own right now.  

My brother and sister in law have had many battles of their own and after their baby Jackson died, I remember her posting this quote-

I'm learning how to dance during this rainstorm.  I'm trying to smile more! I'm trying to remember that it could be worse and there are people out there struggling more than me and need help.  They need us!  They need a support system too.  

Thank you to all those supporting me. I honestly could not do this without you. 

Chemo 7

I'm over halfway. 

Talking with my friend Katie-- she mentioned how going through chemotherapy became a very emotional battle.  I can definitely relate with that now.  I've had more breakdowns, but I try to remember to always pray during those times.  When I feel the lowest and that I can't do anymore, I know that Heavenly Father can help pick me up and take me through it.  Reminds me of the footprints story.....

Since the last couple chemos, I haven't had the crazy flu like reaction (Relief).  First day just don't feel well-- really tired and woozy.  Next couple days dealing with that and nausea, then the constipation/diarrhea, aches, chest pain kicks in.  My arm veins have been bothering me again.  Fatigue through it all--definitely am getting more and more weak, and I get really bad stomach and headaches. 

I feel like I started all powerful and motivated and now I'm stretching to make it through each day without becoming bothered by it.  I've found that I am having to distract myself more and put myself in situations that I don't have to remember I have cancer.  It's so hard to do that when you feel crummy though.  But being outside, having friends over, watching new movies, going out when I feel well enough all help.  

And, I've been able to eat this round!  I feel like I've gained back all the weight it lost though.... oops.  I guess I'm really embracing the desire to eat.  Haha.